Most women are unconsciously using these speech habits to soften our communications, to try to ensure we don’t get labeled-as women so often do-as bitchy, aggressive, or abrasive. We hear other girls talking like this in our lives, and we absorb countless hours of women and girls talking like this in films and TV, and so we start doing the same. The same language is “read” differently by the audience-whether that audience is male or female. When women use these speech patterns, it evokes some negative stereotype images of women (that we don’t know what we are talking about, that we aren’t confident, that we are ditzy, etc.) but when men use the same speech patterns, there’s no negative stereotype evoked. “It’s an unconscious habit many women have: To apologize before asking a question, to apologize because they are standing at the milk and sugar station at the café while someone else is waiting for their turn, to apologize in all kinds of situations where an apology is not warranted! We apologize simply for taking up space.” For women, these habits do have a negative consequence in terms of how we’re perceived. Second, and most importantly, the research shows that when men use these speech habits, it does not impact how authoritatively they come across.
They do, but the research on this topic has found that lower-status groups in any culture use these kinds of speech habits more than high status groups, and that women use them more than men. Many women-especially more junior women-share that when they took all the qualifiers out of their emails, they started getting much quicker and more substantive responses to their requests. I get so many emails from women who are excited to share with me how people responded to them differently once they 1) stopped using the undermining phrases in their speech and writing and 2) communicated warmth in a more positive way (a friendly greeting and closing, for example). The problem is, “does that make sense” comes across either as condescending (like your audience can’t understand) or it implies you feel you’ve been incoherent.Ī better way to close is something like “I look forward to hearing your thoughts.” You can leave it up to the other party to let you know if they are confused about something, rather than implying that you “didn’t make sense.” We do it with good intentions: We want to check in with the other people in the conversation and make sure we’ve been clear. Using qualifiers: “I’m no expert in this, but…” or “I know you all have been researching this for a long time, but…” undermines your position before you’ve even stated your opinion.Īsking, “Does that make sense?” or “Am I making sense?”: I used to do this all the time. Inserting actually: “I actually disagree…” “I actually have a question.” It actually makes us sound surprised that we disagree or have a question-not good! Think about the difference between the sound of “I just want to check in and see…” and “I want to check in and see…” or the difference between “I just think” and “I think…” Inserting just: “I just want to check in and see…” “I just think…” Just tends to make us sound a little apologetic and defensive about what we’re saying.
Here are some of the “little things” women do in speech and writing that aren’t really “little.” In fact, they have a huge impact in causing us to come across as less competent and confident: It’s pretty amazing to suddenly see your unconscious habits and then be able to let go of them. I love talking about this topic because it brings about so many “aha!” moments when I speak to women: So many have no idea they do all sorts of self-sabotaging things in speech and writing. What are the holes that you see women falling into most frequently when they speak?
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